Saturday, July 2, 2016

Preparing for the Worst and Hoping for the Best

My world is changing some is good and some is very bad. When facing such changes, your spirit changes as well.

Now, being a paranormal researcher, I am accustomed of major changes. Recently I have had major changes in my faith as well. I've dealt with spirits, demons, angels and other things in my life. Serious prayer and meditation have always helped me through.

But now I feel a test of my faith with my husband's continuing health problems. Five years ago, he was stricken by diabetes, heart and femoral bypass and amputation. Afterwards, he was quite angry, almost as if he was ticked off by G-d doing this to him.

Now, are after several months of not being to lay down flat to sleep and his stomach rapidly increasing, the doctor finally decided that it was his heart. His family is filled with cancer, diabetes and heart issues so this time, it wasn't a surprise.

Knowing the family 'inheritance' and facing it are two different things. He was always feeling, in the early morning, like he couldn't breathe. His blood sugar count would go from 300 to 500 (100 is normal)and he would have clammy cold sweats. Yet each time that we went to the ER, they would say the same thing...'We can't find anything wrong'. And maybe they couldnt. They knew it was his heart but the tests that they relied on just didn't show the right signs.

Even going to his GP proved aggravating. I would say 'It's time to see a cardiologist, right" and the answer would always be 'not yet'.  The last trip to ER proved the last straw and they admitted him.

His lungs were filled with fluid and the diastolic(bottom side) of his heart had stopped. His heart cath surgery gave him even more problems since he developed reaction to the dye.

So now we know that he will not be an exception to his family's history and has a weak heart. Thankfully a weak heart is not the same thing as a heart attack. After two weeks, he still has problems breathing in the mornings and is lives a strictly vegetarian diet. He now wears a contraption called a Live Vest which will shock his heart if it stops.
 Unfortunately, for him it is a pain. The device is the sign of a brownie camera and he must wear it 24/7. This is definitely not enjoyable when we go to bed and having a jack Russell sleep next to us just makes it more difficult. Not to mention that it resembles a bra!
He spends his days in stress and worry when it will happen and how to prepare for it when the time comes. Both of us are disabled so and living in one of my sister-in-law's and neither of us are sure that she wouldn't remove us (myself and my special needs daughters) upon his death. 

We do our best to prepare but his knowing that we will be suffering from not only the government (we exist off of his disability check while, after three years, we still await my court hearing) and from our own family, gives his even more angst. He apologizes almost daily for what awaits his family. We both pray a lot but different prayers. He prays that his family will come around and he will be given more time; I  have actually prayed to be take first because, only then will my autistic girls be protected.

The business of disease and death is just that...a business. Love becomes heartache Families turn into vultures over possessions. Then heartache becomes fear of the unknown.

I remember the negative happening with my own parents and grandparents and we are attempting to keep it from dividing my daughter's hearts as well as losing a parent.


  1. I am so sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope things get better soon.


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