Friday, November 18, 2016

day book November 18,2016

Day Book
November 18,2016



My last few days have consisted in the drive from Bowie, Tx to the edge of Fort Worth. However this morning I get to bring hubby home from her pacemaker surgery...finally
 
                           
Looking out my window 

Here in North Texas we had wind, wind and more wind. Cold wind and lots of leaves from the neighbors oak trees that WE will have to rake. 



I am thinking



of my sister, who just passed, our tumultuous relationship and especially about my dear Irish Brother in Law and the hardship he will have to endure without her. 

One of my favorite things 


 This is my youngest and my most helpful. She always making me laugh!


I am thankful

as miserable and weary as my life has been, I am thankful for what I have been given and bless, everyday, for my husband and my children...truly

 I am wearing 
 green camo T,blue jeans and my long red sweater

I am hoping
that my husband heals quickly since he cannot move his shoulder and is a great deal of pain. 
 
 I am reading
I love the first one and finding the second just as good.



I am watching
                                                 Craft in America (my all time favorite)

I am learning
that being angry doesn't make positive things happen nor does it get you anywhere. Well I already new that; just needed a lesson readjustment. 
 
In my kitchen
Since I've been practically living at the hospital, my kitchen is a melee of upside down cups and plates.
 Shared Quote

A moment from my day
 drive to hospital, drive home,hospital, home.....   


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Today my sister was laid to rest. I still can't fathom her not being here. She and I weren't the best of friends. We weren't one of those "my sister is my best friend" types. My sister suffered from bipolar and, at a drop of the hat, believed I was always out to get her. It was hard being her sister and I tried so to have that relationship.

My brother in law(her husband) family would tell me how great she was, always a smile,etc. But her blood family never saw that side of her. How I wish I could have. My mother walked on egg shells just to have some sort of relationship, my brother avoided her because she constant lied to him and me, well I seemed to have been chosen, by her, as a nemesis. I believe she blamed me for actually being born because I was the ailing child that got all of the attention.My brother and I ruined her 'Only child" dream life. By the time I was born, the money used to buy her lacy dresses and photo shoots was now used for my surgeries. Hard for a child who was accustomed to getting anything she wanted. But even so, I looked up to her; even envied her. She never met a stranger and was so gregarious and charming. All of the things that I could never be. I hated crowds and was awful at meeting strangers;the typical wall flower.

I remember her pulling me out of bed when I was sick screaming that I was faking. Later on it became physical fights or nasty remarks and finally verbal attacks on my children who adored her. I remember my Brother in Law pleading to allow my youngest (at the time she would 12) to spend the summer with them in New York City. That thought scared me to death. Would she treat my youngest child like she had treated me?  I couldn't take the risk. At the time of her death neither myself nor my brother were talking to her. Yet I cried. On and off but I cried.
I wish I could have helped her. saved her from herself. But you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I've contemplated our  relationship and cannot see a clear answer. I know it hurts but some things aren't meant to be kept under glass. I thoroughly believe she was one of them. Whether we were destined to be friends or not.

Now she is gone and, off and on, I cried; not for her but the memory of what could have been. 

2 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear the surgery went OK and Gary is back home.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm visiting SWD posts this morning.

    First, my condolences on the passing of your sister. And I hope your hubby will soon be feeling better and without pain.

    Thank you for sharing a slice of your life with us today. It would be my wish for you that you will catch glimpses of cheer and beauty in those unexpected places to help you through these difficult days.

    Brenda

    ReplyDelete

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